You're Not Alone

Happy Christmas!  How is everyone?

What did you get up to at Christmas?  Usually we’re racing around the country visiting family but for a couple of reasons we chose to stay at home this year.  While it was nice to do things exactly how we wanted to, it was also very odd to not see family.  I suspect we’ll be back to our Dorset to Cumbria round trip next year as however stressful that is, it’s just not Christmas without seeing all the family.

After a pretty quiet Christmas day we found ourselves in need of getting out of the house.  I grew up in Dorset and Boxing Day always meant a coastal walk!  I have fond memories of meeting up with family friends for a bracing stroll along the cliffs at the Old Harry Rocks.  My coat pockets would be full of chocolate orange and smarties from my stocking the day before.

These days I live in a landlocked county due to where I and my husband work (our industry isn’t wide spread so we are where we are).  Christmas day is most often spent in Dorset and so I am somewhat used to seeing the sea on Boxing Day.  This morning was no exception.  I woke up with a desperate desire bordering on hysterical, to see the sea.

My husband had no strong objections and our son seemed up for it…”see the sea”…so we located Worthing as the likely nearest coastline (still about an hour away by car) and off we went.

Everything was fine as we strolled along the pier and by the time we reached the end we were in need of coffee.  A rather lovely tea room type place is right at the end and it was open!  In we went and sat down for coffee with a gigantic slab of Victoria sponge. Having decided he didn’t want his juice, our son scoffed some cake then wanted “down”.  There’s only so long a view of the sea and a doggy will keep his attention.  The husband and I slipped into our tag team parenting mode…we take it in turns to keep our son busy while the other gets to eat or drink whatever it is they need to.

Now this is where a small incident occurred that has disproportionately affected the rest of my day (and my husband and son’s as a result of me not being able to cope).  There was a small stage set up on the middle of the room.  Perhaps left over from a party or preparing for a party.  Our son found amusement in walking about on this little stage and doing a “Christmas dance” while the piano player was playing Christmas songs.  He wasn’t making a mess or being a nuisance to anyone and I was right there to grab him if he played up at all.  After a few minutes a member of staff came by to do something with the stage and extremely rudely barked at me to get him off.

I didn’t say anything to her but that one rudeness has stayed with me all day and dragged me right down.  I wasn’t angry that she wanted him off the stage, not a problem.  It was the fact that she rudely barked at me like a naughty school child being told for the fifth time not to do something.  There was no sign to say to keep off the stage and we weren’t causing trouble…you learn to spot the faces of annoyance and disapproval as a new parent!

Would it have killed her to remember that she works in a service job and that part of that is not pissing off paying customers?  Perhaps she was sick of telling people to get off the stage…perhaps she was still smarting from a family row at Christmas or just generally having a bad day.  Either way her choice to be inexcusably rude rather than to simply ask nicely brought all my positivity crashing down around me.

I was suddenly on edge.  Instead of being relaxed enjoying a Boxing Day walk by the sea I was now imaging everyone staring at me and seeing me as an unfit mother.  The second my son starting to cry or get upset by something I snapped at him (or my husband).  I’ve worked hard to try to get to a place where I’m calm with tantrums but today my struggles came flooding back.  I actually removed myself from the dinner table at teatime because I wanted to smack my son and scream at him simply because he was being fussy with his tea.  I even gave up with the whinging at bedtime and simply told my husband to “get him out of my sight”.  All this because that one woman was rude.  One woman who shouldn’t have soured an entire day but did.  It’s not her fault I have depression and it triggered a bad day for me but it’s 10 hours since the incident and I’m still angry with her.  I nearly turned back several times during our walk back down the pier to tell her what she’d done but am glad I didn’t.  No point in making two people feel worthless about themselves…it wouldn’t have changed how my day panned out.

It’s often the case with me that I can hold things together up to a point then the smallest little thing overwhelms me and I appear to lose my sh*t over nothing.  Some of my colleagues got to witness this in action when I once (extremely unprofessionally) yelled at my boss when he came over to simply ask me to do something.  I was under stress and overwhelmed with what I had already been asked to do but what seemed a simple request to him was enough to push me over the edge.  Thankfully it was a one off out of character and he was really nice about it.

The difference between normal me and now is that previously when I have had one of these overwhelmed moments, I calm down right away afterwards.  Now it feeds into the depression and just brings me right down into a low mood that sabotages whatever I do.

Sorry, this has turned into quite a long post so I’ll sign off for now and reassure you that I’m ok.  I saw a consultant psychiatrist last week so the ball is rolling to help me get back to me.

Enjoy the rest of the Christmas break! xx